Wow I know fb has been filled with a lot of our suffering. You can ignore or hide me if it is too much... we are not sulking I promise! However, this is our life...lots of joy and LOTS of PAIN!! But I am really finding some peace in sharing with people what is really happening in the Bergmen home of joy and pain... sometimes the pain overtaking and sometimes the joy overflowing! Mother's day. I have unfortunately hated mothers day since our first miscarriage back in 2003. It has marked this day of a dream I could not have. And now this year I am suppose to be celebrating because my son...my amazing son Keane is here. And I am, I am sooo beyond thankful that the Lord has filled our home with the da da da da and clapping and screaming of a baby. It is amazing and exhausting!! I am so privileged to have been chosen to be Keane's mom. But with Mother's day comes the sting of the little blonde beauty that is not here with us and frankly the three others we didn't get the chance to bond with like Titus. Our third baby was Thomas but we don't even know the sex of our first two. It feels so painful to know that my house would and should be filled with five babies screaming and fighting and loving and snuggling with us, but because of an ugly fallen world they are not. I was sent a link to Molly Piper's blog today and she has an old post with words that describe Mother's day so well for the mom who has lost a child, "For some of you who read here, Mother’s Day is part-celebration and part-torture. There’s sweetness in the faces of the husband and children who are here. But just about a millimeter away from those joys, a deep and bitter pain resides." A deep bitter pain resides that has been so deep I have not even been able to fully explain it in any post or blog, but it is a part of me. I am taking this pain and drinking it in and asking the Lord to use it for something for His glory.
This friend that sent the blog also sent am amazing link to another post that Molly Piper did on how to love your grieving friends: http://mollypiper.com/2010
It is a perfect explanation on how to love your grieving friend. And this friend did it. She told me how she cries when she hears blessed be your name, and is sad that she isn't calling me to ask about her daughters next stage in life because Titus has already been through it and that it is so hard that Titus and her daughter Azzi will never play together. I needed this so much. You feel so alone in grief. I know people love us and love our son, but it is so good to hear it. To have someone feel it with you on a deep intimate level. I don't need people to hold it together when they talk to me about the death of my son. I am not afraid to fall apart at any moment, which by the way I usually am. And at the same time, I am ok too, I am trusting the Lord in all of this. Being on the verge at any moment does not mean I am loosing my faith...I am so thankful the Lord has given me that peace.
So Mother's day...thank you Lord for my child that is here but heal my broken unsettled heart over the ones that are not. I am not sure how to celebrate that day, but I know it will have tears and sorrow along side the joy. I hate holidays for this reason right now...I feel like they will forever be tainted! I want my children here to experience joy with me but I know that they also will experience a chunk of me that is with my other children who are not here. I want to celebrate them both... and yet to do that feels like the living suffer. That SUCKS!!! And is beautiful all at the same time...thanks for letting me vent and for reading if you got this far:)
on the broken road of joy and pain
Renee'
Thanks for posting this Bree! Thanks so much for all of the tears you have cried for me. It means so much!!
ReplyDeleteThe hearts of those who have lost something so special amaze me, how hard it must be. Thank you for sharing this Bree. You are very dear friend!
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